The Bachelorette: Cold Hearts & Cosplay

My friends and I have a Monday night tradition that I both love & am extremely embarrassed about: Bachelor Night.

To understand my full range of emotions when it comes to this reality show we have to start way back in 2011. At this point I lived in a basement suite with my cousin Justine. She loved the Bachelor. I despised it. On Monday nights I would hole-up in my room, only to emerge to make some hateful comment about the way the show’s producers milked people’s insecurities and how awful the contestants were. Little did I know that this spirit of mockery would be what made me a fan…

Flash forward a few months to mid-2012. I found myself in a trendy Whyte Ave apartment with my best friend KG. The move had been an upgrade for her…she was coming from a place called “Slanty House” which was as shabby as it sounds. But the shoddy living space was counteracted by a collection of exciting & eccentric roommates who had developed various traditions during their time together. One such tradition was to gather around the tv for group viewings of reality dating shows (The Bachelor, Sweet Home Alabama, etc). Although the Slanty crew physically separated, the practice continued…with a few new members. Bachelor showings grew and developed, until they became today’s solidified 8 o’clock viewing at the Kristins’ apartment.

But what made me join this weekly viewing party, you ask? Honestly, I think at first I just didn’t like the idea of everyone hanging out without me. I didn’t want to be excluded from the fun…even if the fun was to be no fun at all. But it didn’t take long to discover that no one in the group particularly liked the show either. They enjoyed watching it, but mainly to criticize, judge and generally mock. I can do all of those things! It was really the only way I knew how to watch the show!

In the summer we tried out our first ever Bachelor Pool, making bets on who Bachelorette Dez would choose as her forever-beau. We got super into it, standing firmly behind our men even when they turned into stage-3 clingers or self-obsessed douches. KG & I allowed our living room wall to be dominated by a sophisticated scoring & tracking device:
IMG_1190 Basically we’d fallen down the rabbit hole & were not even attempting to climb back out.

Now lets flash even further forward to this Monday night and another installment of Juan Pablo’s search for love. Some of the Bachelor Night regulars (which now includes Justine…in case you were wondering if I had admitted to her that I’d flip-flopped on my stance regarding the show) congregated to watch & discuss. The normal topics were broached: who we love, which girls we hate and all the mistakes that were being made. Don’t get me wrong; I’ve been Team Juan Pablo since we made our Bachelorette Pool picks after Dez’s first episode. I was the only one to add him to their roster and I defended him the most dedicatedly of any of my men. But Juan Pablo, like all of the Bachelors & Bachelorettes before him, is making a few glaring errors and missing out on some really golden opportunities. This leads me to one of our favorite Bachelor Night topics and main focus of this blog post:

How awesome would my season of the Bachelorette be?!?!

Somehow it always comes back to me & what I would do as the Bachelorette, not anyone else in the group. I’m not that self-centered (I swear!) it’s just that I’m the most obvious choice of the group…by being the least obvious choice in the group.
Justine would have trouble speaking to anyone…but she’s a romantic at heart and would really be searching for her soulmate.
KG would cry every episode…but doesn’t getting emotional mean she’s taking the whole thing really seriously?
Elyse would never be allowed on in her leggings, hoody & ball cap…but she’s also capable of real, meaningful relationships.
I am not any of these things…these things being romantic, emotional & well-adjusted. And isn’t that what would make my season of the Bachelorette so fun to watch? Because I say it’s about time we had a slightly awkward, cold-hearted bitch of a Bachelorette.

So stay tuned because this is about to become a series on this blog…my Tuesday walk of shame is going to show you everything that is wrong with the series now and exactly how I would do it better.

How about a little Teaser:
Rule #1 – Love is a banned word. You do not say it to me ever. To be safe it’s best you just never say it at all.

Love & Luck,
Kris

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