TWoS: Bachelorette Edition – Andi Meets Men
I’m starting a weekly blog series called the Tuesday Walk of Shame. In it I’m going to take a look at the newest episode of The Bachelorette (or the Bachelor when it is on again) and discuss. I’ll tell you what I loved. I’ll tell you what I hated. And most importantly, I’ll tell you what I would have done differently.
Vote Kris for a decidedly different Bachelorette.
Because socially anxious, kinda bitchy, hopelessly un-romantic nerds deserve love too.
I could do a full recap of the whole episode, but those exist all over the internet…and why do you need it anyways; you already watched the episode. I’m just going to touch on the parts I loved/hated/would have changed on this episode…Starting with Andi’s introductory clip show:
It’s so forced…The clips of her ‘working,’ the giggly walk on the beach, the classic rom-com shopping montage and, worst of all, the random awkward walk in the park…ick. I would make the camera crew legitimately follow me around for a couple days. The montage would start with baking cookies in a pretty apron and spinning in a figure skating dress (ok I haven’t worn a skating dress in like 7 years but I can pretend), then would progress to having a pint at a pub and playing board games with my friends (preferably Settlers of Catan or D&D), and would eventually end with me sorting through my favourite cosplay costumes and sitting on my couch eating dinner on top of my laptop.
You know, sexy stuff.
The feature part of this episode is the limo entries of all of the contestants. For me, that was 2nd best after my first glimpse of Chris Harrison. Those would be combined if I was the Bachelorette, of course. It would be in my contract the Chris had to compete with the other men.
Intros start off strong with:
1. Marcus (“God he is hoooottt!” says Andi)
2. Chris (who was disappointingly awkward…I think he’s just shy)
3. and JJ (I’m totally in for a “Love Quest.” A Quest! I love quests…I’ll pack provisions while you sharpen your sword & saddle the horses.)
At this point I wondered if they were following the order of my definitive ranking…?
I don’t think I’ve ever noticed how rushed the intros are. Maybe because this is the first time I’ve thought through being a part of them I’m seeing it differently. You have no time to absorb the person…metaphorically…I’m not an abzorbaloff. I am certain that I would have to slap a nametag on each of them before the cocktail party began. Nothing makes a socially anxious person feel more at ease than being in a room full of strangers wanting to make small talk and expecting you to remember their names…not! If the Producers want to avoid me crouched in the bathroom breathing into a paper bag they would compromise the men’s well thought out ensembles and provide a round of “Hi! My name is ____” stickers.
Marquel: He brought COOKIES!!! If there was ever a way to my heart it would be cookies…remember that’s a big if! It was unique and delicious. Well done Marquel! I’m still rooting for you.
Eric: The doll he gave Andi (given to him by a little girl in the Andes mountains) was such a thoughtful gift! It was romantic without being lovey-dovey. And his stories were amazing! Tales of adventure in far off lands fascinate me. It was an odd sensation watching him knowing what has happened since. It is tragic. He was obviously a wonderful man.
Tasos: The love lock idea was creative, but too romantic for my tastes. I probably would have refused to do it unless I was locking a gate closed with him on the other side of it. Or I would have went along with it to be nice then jumped in the fountain to fish the key out after he went inside.
“Why are you wet?” “…the last guy & I went swimming…?”
The low points of the introductions bring me to a new feature I’d like to introduce on my season of the Bachelorette: The First Impressions Are Everything Rule
The Producers are always looking for a twist and I think this one would make it “the most dramatic introductions ever.” This rule (the FIAE Rule?) is basically the opposite of the First Impressions Rose. Instead of guaranteeing your safety you are immediately sent home. If your first meet & greet with the Bachelorette is awful you don’t even make it into the house. You are just turned around and ushered back into your limo.
The Producers would probably have to put a limit on the FIAE Rue for me or I’d be down to my top 3 hometown men before we ever enter the mansion. Perhaps up to 2 people can be immediately eliminated based on their first impression. I think most Bachelorettes would use it once on the one really really awkward guy. I would probably give that same guy the First Impressions Rose and choose to oust the sappy romantic types.
Jason: “I think you have a fever. Cuz you’re looking pretty hot.”
Nope. Turn Around. You don’t even get to enter the house. That was sooooo bad. Cheese Ball.
Brett: A lamp from the hotel room? I like the idea of the lamp…it’s so random that it works. However the fact that you took it from the hotel shows very little forethought. Did you plan your intro the morning of? Because only FIAE Rule losers do that.
Bye Bye you lamp-stealing, mullet-having weirdo.
Chris Bukowski showing up and expecting Andi to welcome him with open arms. Seriously dude? You were the biggest tool of Bachelor history (ok maybe not the biggest because that is a lofty title to live up to…and Juan Pablo just happened) on the last season of Bachelor Pad. Luckily I do not have to say “I would have done it differently” because Andi sent him packing…like any self-respecting woman would. However, this is the Bachelorette and self-respect is sometimes too much to ask.
The only thing more pathetic than Chris was that the show tried to play it off like this wasn’t planned. No one is buying it guys. We all know you were trying to create drama in an otherwise drama-free evening.
In the end I would have cut:
Andi had some of the same ideas as me…4 out of 6 of our eliminations match up.
But she cut cute little surfer-dude Steven 😦
Until next week, keep your head held high and don’t let the Walk of Shame bring you down.
Love & Luck,
PS. Here is my Post-E01 Definitive Ranking:
1. Chris Harrison
2. Marcus – He’s very attractive.
3. JJ – Charmer! (Up 1)
4. Chris – Still needs to come out of his shell. (Down 1)
5. Josh M. – So charismatic. (Up 2)
6. Marquel – COOKIES!
7. Andrew – Started a pretentious bromance. (Down 2)
8. Dylan – He was weird about personal space. I am too! Match made in heaven!
9. Nick V. – He loves his family. (Up 5)
10. Tasos – Clever intro! (Up 5)
11. Craig (Down 1)
14. Patrick – Started a pretentious bromance. (Down 4)
15. Brett – Mullet Confirmed. (Down 3)
16. Nick S.
17. Carl (Up 1)
18. Ron (Down 1)
Not Ranked: Eric