TWoS: Bachelorette Edition – Bachelor Match Maker

I’m starting a weekly blog series called the Tuesday Walk of Shame. In it I’m going to take a look at the newest episode of The Bachelorette (or the Bachelor when it is on again) and discuss. I’ll tell you what I loved. I’ll tell you what I hated. And most importantly, I’ll tell you what I would have done differently.
Vote Kris for a decidedly different Bachelorette.
Because socially anxious, kinda bitchy, hopelessly un-romantic nerds deserve love too.

It’s the much-anticipated Men Tell All episode…aka an excuse to unneededly relive the drama and extend the season one more episode. On the bright side it means 2 straight hours of Chris Harrison…and he hosted the shit out of those hours. Through all of the man-on-man fighting, poorly-concealed flirting (did anyone else get a strong Andi/Chris Harrison vibe through her interview) and awkward baby unveilings the amazing CH kept me caring…which is something I do every little of normally, let alone during The Bachelorette.

Here are the ups and downs I experienced during the course of the evening:

– Did anyone else feel incredibly awkward during Ashley’s ultrasound? What if the baby wasn’t ok??? I know that they had everything pre-examined and tv-ready (the baby was just right there waiting for his close-up…I’ve heard it is not that easy in real life), but still…what if?
Bachelorette Ashley Ultrasound
– Marquel and Chris are so articulate. It almost doesn’t matter what they are saying (although they are presenting very compelling & well-thought-out cases), just that they aren’t doing it red-faced and roid-rage screaming.
– Nick S has most definitely gotten hair plugs. I mean dude, could you be any more obvious:
Bachelorette Nick Hair Plugs
– Could they possibly plug “Bachelor In Paradise” one more time? We are already convinced to watch it. The producers should know that all it takes is marquess abs, Marcus’ smile, Chris’ douchey-ness and Clair’s crazy. So many tears coming our way next month!
Bachelor In Paradise Crying
– The match up of the “random” girl from the audience and Chris was possibly the cheesiest & most obvious set up ever. And it was so awkward!
Bachelorette Chris MatchUp
– Andi laughed too much in her interview. You broke all of their hearts, the least you could do is look sorry… Which brings me to my discussion of the week:

Seeing all of the men sitting in their orderly lines, displayed like a buffet table of yumminess, makes me think I’d be awfully selfish to hoard this pack of hot and steamy, desperate-to-be-loved bachelors. I would have spent weeks in a self-centered quest to find “the one” and yet I have a plethora of girlfriends that are way more desirable than I am and probably a lot closer to the expectation of what the Bachelorette would be. Some are smarter than me, many are more adventurous and all of them are much kinder. Not to mention the small, insignificant fact that they are capable of healthy, functional relationships. My self-centered collection of exes (meaning that I was self-centered in collecting them, not that the men are self-centered…at least not all of them) would be much better served fixed up with my friends. It seems like the fairest option for the guys, the girls and for myself (perhaps I can pair them all off and not have to deal with any of them again). Everyone would get a second chance at love & we could probably spend an entire season exploring the evolution of each pairing. We could call it “Bachelors No More” or something equally as cheesy. Chris Harrison I’ll be calling you to discuss this idea.
(Imagine if I actually had CH’s phone number…*sigh*)

But seriously, after 1 to 9 weeks of getting to know these individuals I would have a pretty good feeling for their personalities and what they are looking for in a wife.
“Really Kris?” you ask. “Really?”
Ok, maybe I wouldn’t have any idea…I mean that’s not a very long time, especially when interactions are limited to one date & a rivals-packed cocktail party each week, but the premise of the show is that this is enough interaction to build a marriage proposal on so we have to suspend our real-world, critical thinking brain and adopt Bachelor logic.

Additionally, this would be the episode where the men would find out I had a mole in the house, either a plant from the start or a friend-zoned guy I’d recruited mid-season (read more about that here). Think of the witch-hunt that months old conflicts created, and now imagine that I was unveiling a traitor in their midst! Perhaps we could induce a pitchfork toting riot!

In case you’ve forgotten to care…I have because they are both so awful…here are Andi’s finalists.
Bachelorette Finalists
Next week Josh & Nick will be vying for her heart & her hand in marriage (which will obviously work out just as well as all of hype other bazillion Bachelor break-ups of the past). And because I know you are all wondering, I will make my spoiler-free prediction as to the big winner (although aren’t we really all losers here):
Bachelorette Winner - Josh
See you next week for the big Finale!

Love & Luck,
Kris

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