TWOS: Bachelor in Paradise – The Dating Game…But Crazier

Welcome to my weekly blog series: Tuesday Walk of Shame. Here I hang my head low as I admit to having watched the previous night’s episode of The Bachelor (or its various spin-offs) and provide my own personal commentary. I’ll tell you what I loved. I’ll tell you what I hated. And most importantly, I’ll tell you what I would have done differently.
Vote Kris for a decidedly different Bachelorette.
Because socially anxious, kinda bitchy, hopelessly un-romantic nerds deserve love too.

Oh Bachelor in Paradise, you are simultaneously the best and the absolute worst thing on television. With the best and absolute worst cast a reality show could ever assemble. Last night’s episode was entertaining, although not as entertaining as tonight is bound to be! Here are my highlights and low points for the first episode of this two night extravaganza:

– Jesse showed up (along with 2 other men that we will get to later). I didn’t watch his season of The Bachelorette so I don’t know anything about him. He seems like a player though. Jackie better watch out if she plans on choosing him over sweetest-guy-ever Marquel (and I don’t just mean her heart. I could be coming after her kneecaps with my crowbar. Just kidding…I don’t care about this show that much…you know, enough to go to jail).
EDIT - Jesse (Bio)– Lacy & Marcus have the most boring dates to ever…zzzzz…sorry I feel asleep just thinking about…

– Clare bitched out AshLee…and somehow I thought it was totally rational & completely warranted. I continue to be amazed at how much I like Clare. The argument was a textbook case of these people thinking this show is a religion and believing that the way things are edited are completely true to life. AshLee, don’t you think Clare’s life is hard enough with the entire nation thinking she had sex with a scum bag in the ocean on television? You really don’t need to rub in her face, again on television.
– And on the subject of AshLee believing everything she’s seen on this show…shouldn’t she be the first to doubt what is on camera is the truth since she seems to be very aware of everything she is doing on tape? She had a bit of a fit when she realized there was a camera on the hammock. Yes AshLee, this is a reality show. There are cameras EVERYWHERE. Not to mention the microphone you’re wearing…??? Is anyone else concerned that the crazy persona we’ve been seeing over the past 4 weeks is her good side. Eeek.

– Date Cards were handed out and drama ensued. Let’s discuss…
The premise of ‘dates’ on this show still throws me a bit. I’m not sure why people get so crazy about not having got to go on one yet. It’s not like they have to spend the rest of their time locked up in a hotel room with a bunch of same-sex competitors. Dates are a huge deal on the regular Bachelor shows. It’s quality time to get to know your ‘future soulmate’ (ick) and your opportunity to edge out the competition. It’s also often your one chance in a week to get to see the amazing location you’re been flown to. If the whole premise of the show didn’t force me into the nut-house, being sequestered in my room while in an exotic locale would. But when not on dates Bachelor in Paradise contestants lay-out on the beach, frolic in the ocean and laze away the day in the hammock. Their lives are so hard…*insert sarcasm here*.
Think of this week’s episode: Lacy & Marcus playfully constructed a sandcastle while taking in some rays & each other’s beach clad bodies. Or last week: Clare & Michelle organized a romantic dinner with Zack & Robert. Or any episode: A pair of good-looking people snuggle in a hammock, swim in the ocean then take a sunset walk on the beach. Sure sounds like a date to me.

Obviously the Date Cards are meant to incite drama. Why else would you send each new person in with a card? “It’s just the Producers being nice,” you argue innocently. “The newcomers are at a disadvantage going into the Rose Ceremony and are given that one date as an opportunity to make a real connection in their limited time.” You poor naïve reader, that’s exactly what they want you to think. If they were trying to be kind the new arrival would have a few hours to make their date-companion decision. This would provide ample time to test the waters: figuring out who they make a connection with, flushing out who is with who, and examining the strength of established relationships. Instead the Producers feed poor Cody, who is crazy enough to have been attracted to Clare after her psychotic exit from The Bachelor, to the overly-emotional, under-loved sharks. He wanted to try things out with Clare (which I now think is legit because I like her on this show) but instead had to give up his date entirely to keep from looking like a player asshole. It was sweet when he gave his outing to his home-boy Marcus though.
EDIT - Marcus (Bachelor In Paradise)All of that being said, the dates are usually once-in-a-lifetime experiences. Wanting one is equivalent to wanting to stay on the show so you don’t have to leave the Paradise setting. And because everything else about this show would make me physically ill, this would be my whole reason for being there. I laughed hysterically at Kalon going on the date alone because no girl would touch him with a ten-foot- pole, but I think he had the right idea. I’m much better company than any of the attention-seeking companions I could spend my time with.
EDIT - Kalon (Bio)P.S. How excellent was Kalon’s continued rejections? And then his show of dating himself? It would almost be charming if he wasn’t the absolute scum of humanity.

We left off in the middle of the Rose Ceremony with Graham walking out on AshLee. Has he finally noticed she’s certifiable? Will he get lost in the jungle as the clips-from-next-episode imply? Will the big concern actually be that Clare sent her attack raccoons after AshLee? We will have to tune in tonight to see!
Until tomorrow…
Love & Luck,
Kris

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