TWOS: Bachelor in Paradise – This Changes Everything

Welcome to my weekly blog series: Tuesday Walk of Shame. Here I hang my head low as I admit to having watched the previous night’s episode of The Bachelor (or its various spin-offs) and provide my own personal commentary. I’ll tell you what I loved. I’ll tell you what I hated. And most importantly, I’ll tell you what I would have done differently.

Vote Kris for a decidedly different Bachelorette.
Because socially anxious, kinda bitchy, hopelessly un-romantic nerds deserve love too.

Can I just start off by saying love on this show disgusts me. Stangely enough ti is the men that seem to be worse. Marcus told Lacy he loved her on Week 5. 5 Weeks. Too soon. Lacy had a much more reasonable response in saying she’s ‘falling in love with him.’ Not there yet but on her way. Cody is ‘falling in love’ with Michelle after a week. At least she is sane enough to realize that is cray-cray. That being said, I also so some very reasonable dating strategies on this week’s episode. Let’s take a gander at the episode highlights and low moments:

– Lacy trying to say stalactite. After 5 minutes of instruction and like 50 tries she still got it wrong. Classic Lacy.
– Marcus & Lacy’s date was awesome! I would pretend I was on a quest…like real life dungeons and dragons. Plus I love bats; I’ve been fascinated by them since I was a kid. And keeping in tune with the show, fear has a way of bonding people…so good on you Producers.
– Did you love how the entire animal kingdom reacted to their statements of love? Right down to that little ant poking up to witness it for himself.

– Brooks is a weenie. That’s what we used to say at our viewing parties all through Des’ season. Unfortunately I kind of liked him last night. He was casual and fun and approached the show with the right kind of attitude.
EDIT - Brooks (Bio)– Tasos also had a good attitude. He was eager to date, respectful of couples and obviously ‘here for the right reasons.’ Frankly though I’m not overly interested in him…or Christy so maybe that was a good pairing for me.
EDIT - Tasos (Bio)– I can’t believe Sarah almost broke up with Robert because Brooks showed up. He’s a weenie. Plus it doesn’t line up with her regular lack of self-confidence. Maybe she’s growing some balls? Nope. Sticking with Robert instead.

– Jackie is killing it in Paradise. She is dating around, getting to know people both in romantic & friendship senses. And everyone wants to date her. She was worried she was people’s “default.” Jackie, you are no one’s default. I would choose you as my first pick and I’m a straight woman. But perhaps that’s because I think most of these men are awful (or have prejudged them as boring or assholes) or they are Graham and I don’t want AshLee to cut me.

– I almost forgot AshLee existed this episode (and it was a happy time) until she went all passive-aggressive psycho about Graham not getting a date card. Stop being a bi-ach and making awesome Graham look like a douche. He’s actually awesome…and easily manipulated…obviously.

– Jesse literally said he was ‘going to hook up with Christy.’ Sure it happens, but you’re not supposed to talk about it.
– After that Jesse still thinks he can “Avengers Assemble” the crew. Yeah, No. No one is going to answer your calls or emails…unless they just inevitably broke up with their paradise lover and want to go out on the prowl.
– Michelle went all Momma Bear again, which is my favorite version of her. Godo for Christy for trying to stan dup for herself, but it fell a bit flat. I wish Lacy & Michelle had just bitched Jesse out instead.

In the end Jesse left on his own accord (is it really less humiliating than being kicked off if the girl had already stated out-right to you that she didn’t want to continue your relationship?) and Jackie picked Zack over Brooks. Bye Bye Weenie.
Bachelor in Paradise Men (S01E06)I put Kalon & Jesse together because combined they might actually make up a whole human being…just kidding, combined they make a heap of garbage!
Bachelor in Paradise Women (S01E05+06)After the dramatic Rose Ceremony Chris Harrison revealed that “everything is about to change.” Thank God. Does anyone else feel like this show is set up all wrong? I know Kristin Glass does! She commented on last Wednesdays special two-parter post:

“I’ve decided this show is flawed. Instead of giving people a rose to stay, they should get the rose to leave together. The show is now full of couple-y-ness, and I want singles with drama! Once someone finds a relationship, they should have to give up paradise for them – that’ll show committed they are. Yes, I realize I’m saying that Elise and Chris had it figured out…”

She has hit the nail on the head there; this is exactly how the show should be structured. Expanding on this idea here are my ideal Bachelor in Paradise rules…and maybe the ones Chris Harrison will announce next week? Although probably not…but maybe next season?

Rule 1 – Paradise is for singles.
Couples are not allowed to stay in Paradise. The point of being here is to explore your options until you find a connection. Once that match is made you need to peace out of Paradise and allow others to begin their search. This would cut down on the intense ‘couple-y-ness’ and would make everyone think twice about how committed to someone they really are. Are you sure enough about this person to leave Paradise behind? Elise was…despite it being one of the biggest assholes this show has ever seen. But then again she wasn’t the brightest crayon in the box.

Rule 2 – The Rose Ceremony is constant rejection.
For a lucky few Rose Ceremonies will be magical. That person you’ve been dreaming of, the one you really connected with, the one you’ve fallen in love with in just 2 weeks time, will offer you a rose. You will accept and disappear into the sunset together. How disgustingly romantic. For the rest, Rose Ceremonies will be a bunch of girls/guys (they could continue the idea of alternating power) walking up to the silver tray, picking up the rose and then putting it back down. With that simple action they will say “I am choosing to remain on my search for love in Paradise,” which will really just be a nice way of saying “I not really feeling it with any of you, at least not enough to give up the sun bathing & ocean frolicking.” BAM! Rejected.
“But Kris, isn’t that a mean & immoral concept?” you ask. To that I say: Isn’t that what the Producers love most? Remember when they forced Emily Maynard to go to the speedway where her fiancé had died? Or when they spliced the clips of Clare & Juan Pablo together so there was nothing we could think except that they’d had crazy ocean sex? Or just this season when they very publicly shamed their own employee for falling (figuratively & literally) for a contestant? Rose Ceremony rejection is just scratching the surface of what they are willing to do.

Rule 3 – If you stay you must shop around.
There are ways couples could abuse this system. What if they never offer a rose and stay & hang out instead? Not allowed in my rules. If you chose not to hand out your rose and stay in Paradise you cannot go on a date with the same person you dated the week before. Maybe you’d end up on a date with that person every second week, which seems reasonable in letting deep connections form (not in the real world but by Bachelor logic). But no dating the same person every week and effectively coupling-off.

Rule 4 – Hilarity ensues as the household grows.
If no “true connections” are made and no one leaves the show the house will get fuller and fuller. Imagine if there are a limited number of beds 😉

Rule 5 – Sweeten the pot for leaving.
It could get a bit excessive if no one ever leaves, so maybe all departing happy couples win a dream vacation on which they can explore their love…obviously while still on camera. Each episode can end with a featurette capturing the adventures of one of these “happy couples.”

Let me know how you’d structure the show in the comments below! Until next week…
Love & Luck,
Kris

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